Friday, September 09, 2005

journal entries

There are two new entries up in my journal, complete with pictures.
The first is of my oldest son’s 10th birthday we’re celebrating this weekend and the second is of the passing of our family pet, Tilly.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

so far this week

Still staying at home. I'm proud of myself, the last time I bought gas was the day before going to the dr, so that was the 29th. I've still got just under a half a tank right now, so by the time I get more gas, it'll be almost two weeks between fill ups. woo! That’s a record for me!!! The good news is that gas is going back down now around here. not to where it was before, but only about .40 difference.

My kitty Tilly is sick. I don’t know what's wrong with her, but starting last night, she starting getting sick. All over the place. Dry heaving and everything off and on all night. She’s been drinking her water, but not eating. She’s been up and about, but sleeping a lot like normal. I've checked her for dehydration, but she still seems fine. I'm worried about her, but just cant afford to take her to the dr. not cause of the gas, just cause of money, plain and simple. Seems I cant get out of the vet's without paying at least $130. I'm just praying over her and hoping it's just a tummy bug.

I wanted to post about Hunter. He’s going through some sort of spurt right now. I'm sure he's growing on me, but as well as that, he's got a snuggle bug going on. Since about he was a year old, he's not really been a snuggle person. Now he is when he first gets up. His almost daily routine is to wander in here to me when he wakes up first thing and sit in my lap til he's ready to face the world. Lately though, he skips some mornings, depends on what the other sibs are doing when he gets up.The rest of the day though, he's too wiggly to sit in my lap and too much on the go, so we've not had any 'midday snuggling' in a loooooooooong time.He’s changing that recently though. Just this past week, he's been cuddling on my lap at least 4 afternoons and even fell asleep in my lap twice! It’s made me feel good, enjoying my little guy and his cute little dimples. He tries to be so sweet so often only to turn around and pop someone or totally tear something up. He’s a mess. I'm enjoying this spurt he's going through though!

Saturday, September 03, 2005


I forgot to post the results of my lab work that I got done this past week. The Dr. told me my 7 dpo progesterone count was 3.5.
That's not very high. Some wouldn’t even consider that ovulating, but my dr. does.
I'm not sure what to think about it. I do wonder if it was just a recent change or what, since the last two (normal) cycles (including my current one), my post O temps have been rather low for me.
The weird thing is that I've tried using progesterone cream to help with it, but every single time I use it, my temps go down! I told an OL friend that I think it got switched with estrogen. LOL!

DH did pull me aside today and talked with me. He'd felt left out a bit since I've been stewing over this. Not just this week, but for the last couple of months.
I've been feeling very hurt that my choice seems to be taken away from me. Not by him, just by my body's nature. I can’t do fertility treatments since its not covered under insurance (any of it, not even clomid), so I have to use whatever natural means I can, if I want to keep trying.
At least back when it took a year + to conceive Canaan and Gavin, it corrected itself.
The short LP after the pill did finally work out and I was able to get pg. Now, who knows?
It could also be a mix of myself and DH. We likely won’t get him tested, as since I mentioned before, it's not covered by insurance.
I feel bad for feeling bad. I've got four wonderful kids here and am so very thankful for them. Even when a certain 3 year old makes me want to pull my hair out. LOL!
There are so many families that have trouble having just one, and I know so many of them. I don’t feel right being upset to them because well... just because.
But in my heart of hearts, I want #5. My greatest desire is to be able to have a 2nd daughter so that Katlyn can have a sister to grow up with. I've had that in my heart since I was a little girl missing my own sister. God did give me my cousin to fill in that space as good as she could (and she makes an excellent older sister!), but that dream is still there for me to give to my daughter.
It hurts that it seems I won’t even have a choice in it. That part stinks. I didn’t get my tubes tied because I wanted to keep the options open. Now it seems we have built in birth control and we didn’t want it.
I truly hope that some time after I write all this, I'm able to come back and say a miracle has happened. That would give me so much happiness! But, if it never does, I did not give up. I never stopped trying, though perhaps I'll not be as stringent about watching signs at some point.
November is coming up fast and I really did not want my arms being empty nor my tummy not expanding with a baby by that time. It's going to hurt even more if that happens.
I did not give up though. That would be a greater loss to me.