Thursday, April 04, 2013

things I've noticed about the 'new me'...

 I've noticed changes in myself over the last few months and I dont know if its the effect of the M on me, or maybe the keppra (I only take two 500mg pills a day). all I know is that I'm not the same person I was before January this year.
my memory is the worst thing that bothers me. I worry sometimes that what if one of these days I dont remember the important things, like my kids or hubby? birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I already forget the simple things. like when my daughter and I were out eating, I forgot that I'd eaten my bread, so when I came back from teh buffet, I was sad the waitress had taken my plate because she'd taken my bread. my daughter tole me I'd already eaten it. it sounds so simple, but it bothers me so bad. one night I couldnt remember if I'd actually washed my body during my shower because I couldnt remember what bath adn body scent I'd used. it's every day things that do this. I try to joke about it, but it really bothers me.
this week we're on vacation. love it as its only my 2nd time to the beach and only our 2nd vacation in our 21 years together. it was so stressful getting everything together for a family of 8 though! one thing I noticed when we got here, we're on the 8th floor and I swear I could feel the building moving when we got off the elevator. I do have vertigo and have trouble going up and down stairs, but dont have issues standing on the balcony. I attribute it to standing still and not trying to navigate my way down the height.
I almost had a breakdown emotionally when we went to walmart to get groceries the other day though. our own walmart I can handle, but this, being bigger and not known to me was like dunking me in a bath of cold water. we made it through getting the food and I still needed to pick up a hair dryer. I didnt know where to go, so hubby was walking and I was trying to follow. I eventually just stopped at an endcap and was kind of lost. he asked me what I was doing adn I wanted to cry and kinda went off a bit saying I didnt know where to go!
I feel silly for these things, being so randomly emotional, not being able to walk without putting a hand out to bounce myself off a wall or table so I dont go sideways. forgetting something 3 seconds afterwards, being off in a daze some days and just not being all there becasue they're my 'bad days'. it's not the me that I've always known. it freaks me out and I'm still coming to terms with it.
I go in for my 2nd MRI in a couple of weeks. I'm nervous and butterflies started last month! how do those who have been on W&W deal with this for years? :( 
my family has been great. so great. my close friends have been wonderful. I think they probably take it more seriously than I do, or worry more than I do, or perhaps voice their concerns more than myself. I'm a kind of quiet person and dont like to worry others with my 'issues'. my hubby wants me to quit this and open up to him more. I broke down about my memory issues this week and how they bother me. he was glad I talked with him and even cried some himself. but at the same time, he mentioned me dealing with this so I can get back to being the person I used to be. I've read the stories, I've been researching the way things change. *sigh* I konw he'll love me no matter what, but I'm having a hard time learning to love the new person I am so far, even though I know its not been that long yet. and I've not even been through much yet. bleh.
guess this is what happens when you hold stuff in, it just kinda gurgles out. lol!