Saturday, September 03, 2005


I forgot to post the results of my lab work that I got done this past week. The Dr. told me my 7 dpo progesterone count was 3.5.
That's not very high. Some wouldn’t even consider that ovulating, but my dr. does.
I'm not sure what to think about it. I do wonder if it was just a recent change or what, since the last two (normal) cycles (including my current one), my post O temps have been rather low for me.
The weird thing is that I've tried using progesterone cream to help with it, but every single time I use it, my temps go down! I told an OL friend that I think it got switched with estrogen. LOL!

DH did pull me aside today and talked with me. He'd felt left out a bit since I've been stewing over this. Not just this week, but for the last couple of months.
I've been feeling very hurt that my choice seems to be taken away from me. Not by him, just by my body's nature. I can’t do fertility treatments since its not covered under insurance (any of it, not even clomid), so I have to use whatever natural means I can, if I want to keep trying.
At least back when it took a year + to conceive Canaan and Gavin, it corrected itself.
The short LP after the pill did finally work out and I was able to get pg. Now, who knows?
It could also be a mix of myself and DH. We likely won’t get him tested, as since I mentioned before, it's not covered by insurance.
I feel bad for feeling bad. I've got four wonderful kids here and am so very thankful for them. Even when a certain 3 year old makes me want to pull my hair out. LOL!
There are so many families that have trouble having just one, and I know so many of them. I don’t feel right being upset to them because well... just because.
But in my heart of hearts, I want #5. My greatest desire is to be able to have a 2nd daughter so that Katlyn can have a sister to grow up with. I've had that in my heart since I was a little girl missing my own sister. God did give me my cousin to fill in that space as good as she could (and she makes an excellent older sister!), but that dream is still there for me to give to my daughter.
It hurts that it seems I won’t even have a choice in it. That part stinks. I didn’t get my tubes tied because I wanted to keep the options open. Now it seems we have built in birth control and we didn’t want it.
I truly hope that some time after I write all this, I'm able to come back and say a miracle has happened. That would give me so much happiness! But, if it never does, I did not give up. I never stopped trying, though perhaps I'll not be as stringent about watching signs at some point.
November is coming up fast and I really did not want my arms being empty nor my tummy not expanding with a baby by that time. It's going to hurt even more if that happens.
I did not give up though. That would be a greater loss to me.

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